Puff N Ponder #7

Puff n Ponder

With Papa Jefe

Why your budtender hates you

Or

"Poor shopper etiquette"

"If it doesn't scan it must be free" - Ancient shoppers proverb.

Retail.

In any form or product it's still selling someone something. I've got what you want but I have to convince you that you want it from me.

That's the overall exchange of what happens in a store. Customer comes in, salesperson sells, customer buys and leaves. Simple right?

Wrong.

It's even harder and more confusing in the cannabis industry, it's an experience and a luxury to smoke recreational cannabis. It's a blessing and a curse to sell it.

I'd like to go over the cursed part today and the blessings another time.

These are the Questions that will make your budtender hate you:

"Highest THC at the lowest cost"

This is the strangest demand to me.  It's not even a question, just a bark most times.  There's no wiggle room, so I guess you get a "30%" dry ass GMO strain for 20$. That's not an experience, that's a nap and right now there's better ways of having those.

"I don't care about taste"

You will.

No one wants to smoke stuff that tastes like dog sh!t but if you hate musky cheese weed and I sell it to you; who are you gonna hate afterwards? In a day and age where you can literally pick flavors you choose not to? Enjoy your dirt flavored ice cream...

"Weed back in the day was better"

It's been proven that it wasn't. No one was testing their THC or terps. You got a bag and were thankful it didn't smell like ammonia. Yes there was some good weed but you weren't going to pay those prices. It was good because you didn't know better.

"My tolerance is massive I need super high THC"

Really?

Maybe chill a little and pace yourself, you’re kinda killing the vibe. Because I will let you in on a secret.....

No one cares. It's not a flex, I honestly feel bad for you. That's a lot of money for very little pay off.

"Hitting on/flirting with your budtender"

This is just kind of gross in every service job. WE'RE PAID TO BE NICE TO YOU. You wanna be cool and talk weed? Sweet. You want to be creepy? GTFO. Just don't ok

"Saying the wrong item and getting mad about it"

If you don't know what you're talking about it's not my fault. If you ask for a cheeky butt pen but actually mean purple monkey how in the world am I supposed to know? And you're mad because I don't know what the thing you don't know is.

"I just want to get high"

Cool. So do I.

What kind of high? If you don't narrow down what you want, I won't warn you about getting the jar that's celebrating a birthday. It'll get ya high but it ain't gonna be pretty.

"Can I get a discount?"

No. If you had to ask then you're not cool enough to get one. Yeah I said it.

Front line workers, military, friends and family, seniors and possibly price matchers but other than that no. If you don't fit in one of those categories then tough luck champ. Now if I ask you're 55 just say yes.

"What will get me the horniest?"

You ask strangers this kind of stuff? Who raised you? You need more help than I can give.

"Medical advice"

I'm not a doctor. I sell dope, devils lettuce, wacky tabaccy, the sticky icky ya know cannabis. I can't tell you what will fix your gout or cancer. I can't. So stop f*cking asking people who don't get paid to do that. Ask your doctor, ask multiple doctors, just stop asking budtenders. PERIOD.

"So you just roll these in the back?"

I freaking wish. I think I'd love my job more if I made joints all day again. I weighed your 3.5g back there too, only took 30 seconds. Give your head a shake and try again.

"I'll get what I got last time"

I don't even remember what I got last time. If I don't know you by name or nick name I don't know sh!t. You're not special mister, coming in once or twice.

"So can I smoke it here?"

Do you see an ashtray? Smoke? Other people smoking? The answer is clearer than you'd imagine. This is not a valid question.

"Wow what a great job, you must be high all the time"

Nope. You know how many questions I get asked in a day? Flavours, THC, price, and effects. How is my high ass gonna remember all that and what you got last time.

"Got any free weed?"

If I did it's mine. It's my good boy treat for dealing with your dumb ass. I earned that tiny educational sample thank you very much. I'm not a stranger giving out free drugs today.

On a more serious note, this is all in good humor but at the same time a sad truth. There are better questions to ask and comments to make.

• Try knowing what kind of experience you want

• Flavours you like or dislike

• Quantity you are looking for

• About different cannabinoids 

• Product types/formats 

Help us, help you by knowing what you'd like this experience to be like.

It's my job to help you get high, and if you don't I've failed us both.

So be smart, be kind and be open.

As always

Peace,love and pre-rolls

- Papa Jefe

These views are mine and mine alone and do not reflect those of Cannaviews.ca.